IRL Officials Fear Danica May Lose on Purpose to Save Hair

Note to the low functioning: This is made up. Except for Danica's quotes, which are real.

Indy Racing League officials plan to sit league superstar Danica Patrick down and emphasize that their league is worth more than her hair.

Danica, known as "Princess Sparkle Pony" by famed blogger Money CJ, is widely expected to challenge or the win at Michigan. That has her a bit nervous about a promise from teammate Tony Kanaan to shave Danica's head after her first victory.

Danica told the Associated Press in a real interview:

"I don't know," said Patrick, who lives in Scottsdale. "I really think I'm going to have to have someone intervene. I get two inches cut off, ever, and I'm hyperventilating. I've always had long hair as long as I've been on this earth.

"I don't think it's going to happen. I really don't. But I'm going to run for my life, though. I know that much. I'm not going to open it up like wide open, take my helmet off in pit lane and be like 'Hey, where are the guys?' I might just leave it on for an hour, not until I can have someone restrain them and search their pockets."

That talk has league officials worried that Danica will "settle for second' rather than crossing the stripe first and becoming the first, and hottest, female ever to win an IRL race.

"It's concerning," said one league official. "We're afraid that if Danica busts out her calculator (which she seems to do often) she may see that her luxuriant, black hair -- that everyone who sees wants to touch and spend hours with -- will be more valuable to her than a win on her resume."

"After all," said a second source, "She's raking in the cash without a win and a lot of that has to do with The Hair. The Danica Hair is worth millions to The Danica Brand. So we're afraid the cost-benefit may not pencil out if a win means losing her hair. I mean, seriously, 'Britney Spears.'  Clear enough?"

In reaction, the league has asked Security Chief Charles to shadow Kanaan after any Danica win and "take all necessary steps" to protect the high-value locks.

Charles would only say "I'm on it" before he Maced a crowd of reporters who "violated my personal security zone."

 

Comments

[Joe]

Charles has no need for mace. He's got his bare hands - they're far deadlier.

[My Name Is IRL]

How does she not have a hair-care sponsor? She's got cellphones, mortgages, domain names, antifreeze, grocery stores...but no shampoo?

I tell ya, nothing makes sense anymore.

[Aaron]

Good thing Danica didn't win in Richmond, losing all that hair might have been a popular move in the Dirty Souff. Britney is Southern, so who knows. She is Southern, right? Anyone? Beuller?

[Thlayli]

Spears is from Louisiana, yes.