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AGR signs Danica, Expresses Relief to Find a Driver who Really Wants to Win

Everything below is made up for smart-ass purposes only:

Officials at Andretti Green Racing headquarters spent Tuesday drinking heavily, relieved that they had finally found a driver who really, really wanted to win.

Notes from the Champ Car World Series at Edmonton 2006

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Notes taken during the CBS broadcast of the West Edmonton Mall Grand Prix Presented by The Brick on 7/23/06.

Notes from the 2006 ABC Supply/AJ Foyt Indy 225 at Milwaukee

It's Milwaukee, so how about a Laverne and Shirley intro montage? 1976 sitcom set in Milwaukee, redid the intro to the series with video from the race. Cast of characters. Shout out to ABC/ESPN. Best montages in the business. ABC/ESPN are beating CBS and Champ Car with the montage stick.

pressdog's beer for the race is Miller High Life, Milwaukee, Wisc., U.S. A., baby.

IRL, CCWS Vow to Match Shrinking Car Count

Note: this is all made up. Fiction. Driven by frustration and for humor purposes only.

Leaders of the Indy Racing League and Champ Car World Series vowed today to match each other's shrinking entry count car-for-car.

The estimated 34,292 race fans who still pay attention to open-wheel racing in America have noticed that car counts for both series have dropped steadily this year. Both Champ Car and the IRL currently field about 18 cars. (Actual numbers fluctuate from day to day based on the work load of bill collectors.) Officials from both series vowed not to fall behind in the de-escalating cart count shrinkage race.

Notes from the 2006 Firestone Indy 200 at Nashville

Notes taken during ESPN's broadcast of the Firestone Indy 200 at Nashville Superspeedway on 7/15/06.

Sam Hornish montage! Marty -- It's been a picture perfect (Todd Harris-ism) season for Sam. Who can challenge the all American? Dario, the guy who calls Nashville home?

Welcome to Nashville Superspeedway, the concrete track. Temps are in the mid-80s. Going to get hot on the track. Much cleverness using "hot" for temperature and action. Get it? HOT ON THE TRACK!

IRL Fears Anti-Pig Movement Among Drivers

Note to the slow: below is all (at least mostly) fiction. Indy Racing League officials Friday worried that fewer and fewer people in the world were willing to drive race cars that have virtually no chance of winning.

A decline in the demand among drivers for ill-handling, under-funded, just-plain-bad cars -- known in the business as "pigs" -- could greatly damage the league's ability to put more than 10 cars on the track at any given time.

Discovery of Krispy Kreme Box Concerns IRL

Note to the low IQ -- everything below is made up

Indy Racing League officials said Wednesday they are treating the discovery of an empty Krispy Kreme doughnut box near Danica Patrick's motor home "as an issue of grave concern."

"Frankly, this has sent a ripple of terror throughout the Indy Racing League," said Bernie Jameson, director of security for the IRL. "The implications of finding a dozen-doughnut box -- empty -- within a square mile of Danica makes us all want to tweak up our resumes."

Notes from the 2006 Champ Car Molson Grand Prix of Toronto

Notes taken during the CBS broadcast of the Molson Grand Prix of Toronto on 7/9/06.

Welcome to Toronto. It's a street fight. Rollerball on wheels. Bourdais, AJ, Tracy montage. Everyone has something to prove. It's the Bridgestone Presents the Champ Car World Series Powered by Ford (BPCCWSPF).

Recap -- Bourdais won first four. AJ the next two. Paul Tracy has a chance to win one, maybe. Rest of the field, probably not.

E.R.s Report a Rash off Unification Report Fatigue Syndrome

Note to the highly gullible: Everything below is made up.

Emergency rooms around the United States report a dramatic rise in people complaining of being "f*cking sick of hearing about open-wheel reunification."

Notes from the 2006 Kansas Lottery Indy 300

Notes taken during the ABC broadcast of the Kansas Lottery Indy 300 on July 2, 2006.

pressdog's beer of the race this week is Boulevard Wheat, brewed in Kansas City, Mo. Opaque. Unfiltered. Slightly fruity. The 'dog digs it. Intro montage. Welcome to the heart of the Midwest. Many "Midwest images." Corn. Barn. Windmill. "America's Heartland." Texas and Richmond flashbacks. "Who can rise above the wheat and the heat here in twister town?"