Note to the humorless: this is made up.
Reports from the Rolex 24 in Daytona, Florida reveal that open-wheel drivers are becoming more aggressive in their bids to gain the attention of NASCAR officials.
"They're just way more brazen about it these days," said one member of NASCAR star Jeff Gordon's team. "The other day I turned around and there was Dan Wheldon with a six pack saying 'I thought Mr. Gordon might like a drink after a hard day.' Each can had a little photo of Wheldon on it with his phone number under it. I gotta give 'em credit for being creative."
More and more Indy Racing League and Champ Car World Series drivers are abandoning all hard-to-get pretense and taking their lobbying efforts up a notch. Even TV announcers have noticed with no fewer than 73 mentions of open-wheel drivers looking to jump to NASCAR during race broadcasts.
Perhaps most besieged by NASCAR wannabe drivers was Grand Am driver J.C. France, grandson of the late NASCAR founder Bill France Sr. France piloted his Daytona Prototype to a fourth place finish at the Rolex 24 and was greeted in the pits by no fewer than 17 open-wheel drivers.
"They were all cheering like J.C. had just saved their infant daughters from wolves," said a member of France's crew. "I think I saw a tear rolling down Helio Castroneves' cheek. All I can say is J.C. won't have to buy lunch for a week with all the 'let's do lunch' offers he's gotten from open-wheel drivers."
It wasn't much better on the track, with some drivers gladly giving up positions to run even with France for a lap while holding up signs like "I love fenders" and "Will Change Tires for a Busch ride" with their phone numbers underneath.
The scene has left open-wheel fans incredulous ("For the love of Rick Mears, have some self respect") and led many to fear Champ Car an the IRL are becoming "a farm system for NASCAR."
In related news, insiders say the IRL an Champ Car officials have drawn up contingency plans that call for placing IRL drivers in NASCAR teams so that those drivers can send part of their earnings back to help the rest of their family stuck in the IRL and Champ Car. The money sent home from NASCAR would help the open-wheel series avoid having to go dumpster diving for meals.
The plan was inspired by immigrants who move to another country to take a higher-paying job and regularly send money back home to support their families. The process is known as sending "remittances" back to people in the poorer country.
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