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The Onion Kicks pressdog's Butt, Scoops World on NASCAR "Car of Yesterday"

The Onion (theonion.com), satirical online magazine of which I am unworthy to even glance toward, has laid down smack on pressdog by scooping me.

Nascar Introduces the Car of Yesterday

I'm not worthy.

Goodyear Shaken after Duct Tape Incident

Note: this is fiction. As if.

ESPN/ABC race color commentator Scott Goodyear reportedly checked into his St. Petersburg hotel room Thursday only to find a large stuffed bear with much of its head  wrapped in duct tape.

EPA Dispatched to Homestead-Miami Track

Note to gullible -- this is all made up.

Environmental Protection Agency crews have declared the Homestead-Miami track safe after failing to find evidence of "dirty air" widely reported at the track Saturday.

"We had multiple, repeated reports of 'dirty air' around the track between 6 and 9 p.m. eastern time Saturday, March 24," said the EPA's official incident report. "We tested the area extensively and found some strange stuff, but nothing dangerous."

EPA officials could not account for what caused multiple Indy Car Series drivers to swerve erratically or greatly fluctuate in speed around the track during the alleged "dirty air" incidents.

Notes from the ESPN2 Broadcast of Homestead-Miami

Notes taken during the ESPN2 broadcast of the XM Satellite Radio Indy 300 at Homestead-Miami on 3/24/07.

Props to the Southern Connecticut State University women's basketball team for winning the NCAA Division II national championship. The championship game was the lead in to ESPN2's broadcast.

Welcome to Miami and the season opener. Holy Rain Delay! We had some sprinkles, so we got the trucks circling the track. This means ESPN2 will be interviewing everyone including possibly random fans while we wait for the track to dry.

pressdog's beer of the race is Bitburger, sponsor of my posse at Dreyer & Reinbold Racing. Shout out to the boys in the garage.

Sarah Fisher Takes it to the Streets

Note: this is 100% true!

pressdog.com world headquarters in tony West Des Moines, Iowa, created a run on upholstery cleaner Wednesday as word broke that Sarah Fisher would race all the road and street races in the upcoming IndyCar season.

Sarah had been confirmed for the 12 oval races on the schedule, and now the Indianapolis Star is reporting she will run all five road/street races as well. The first street course is set for April 1 in St. Petersburg, Florida.

The news set off spontaneous pants wetting across pressdog headquarters, causing many stained office chairs.

"We didn't see it coming," said the pressdog facilities manager. "The yahoo alert popped up and suddenly my phone was flooded with calls saying 'I just pissed all over my chair.' "

Philippe Shocks Racing By Wanting to Get Paid to Drive

Note: Nelson Philippe is refusing, so far, to ride buy, but the rest of this is made up.

Open-wheel racing leaders are hoping recent developments don't indicate they're entering a ride-buyers' market.

Officials in the Champ Car World Series and Indy Racing League are worried about an attitude shown this week by former Champ Car World Series driver Nelson Philippe.

Barnhart Rumored for Penitentiary Job

Note to the easily misled: This is all made up.

The Indy Racing League President and COO Brian Barnhart is close to signing a deal to be the next warden of the United States Penitentiary at Lompoc, CA.

Barnhart, known as the "Iron Hand of Justice" for his administration of discipline on the track, seems a natural for the warden opening.

George Readies GIRL Emergency Strategy

Note: This is all fiction.

The official entry of Sarah Fisher into the 2007 Indy 500 is the first move in a secret contingency plan to unleash a flood of estrogen in the Indy Racing League, according to insiders.

Vigilant pressdog.com reader rfellows reported recently that George is considering the creation of the Great Indy Racing League (GIRL) featuring as many female racers as possible.

The female IROC-ish series would be ready to debut at the Indy 500 if the race appears to be short of its traditional 33 entries. The underlying theory is that packing the field with women will increase the odds of a woman winning an open-wheel race and delivering the league an added shot of press.

pressdog Gives Two Paws Up to Indy Book

Sprint to your local bookstore or to amazon.com this second and buy a copy of "Indy: the Race and Ritual of the Indianapolis 500" by pressdog.com home boy Terry Reed.

From the first few pages in, you'll realize that the Indy 500, especially in the early days, produced about three to five dead bodies per year, including some unfortunate spectators (we don't need no stinking catch fences!).

NASCAR Lauches "Anti-Migration" Drive

Note to the gullible: JPM did win a Busch race in Mexico on 3/5/07. Everything else is fiction.

When Juan Pablo Montoya flashed across the start-finish line in P1 at Mexico City March 5, it set off alarm bells in some NASCAR fans' heads.

"I was sitting there on the couch thinking, 'Damn, that old boy can drive,' " said Bobby Dean, a long-time NASCAR fan from North Carolina. "Then it hit me. What if all those open-wheel fellas can drive?"

Dean represents a growing segment of NASCAR fans who are afraid that, left unchecked, highly skilled open-wheel racers could take over their series and dramatically change what it takes to win.