pressdog.com: pressdog's Guide to Iowa

The Indy Racing League traveling circus rolls into the Iowa Speedway (left) in tony Newton, Iowa, (population 15,000-ish) on June 22. As a fifth-generation Iowan, I thought I'd whip together a little something to help my IRL homeys understand the Corn State.

Q: What's the deal with Iowans?

We're a little odd by national standards. Not all Iowans are alike, of course. Sadly, we have our murderers and rapists, too. But most of us are, um, "quiet." We're not about being in the spotlight so much. We're the Low Maintenance State. The Support Staff State. We're that salt-of-the-earth person you know who you'd trust your kids with and who is always "happy for" everyone else. Our state motto could be "We're so happy for you!" We're America's anonymous donors.

Iowans who save children from burning buildings are most likely to say "anyone would have done the same thing" and sincerely believe it. We're so damn affable we can be boring. In fact, just typing all these great qualities about Iowans makes me feel a little uneasy because it's a little like bragging, which is a state sin around here.

Q: Will I be bored sightless in Iowa?

Possibly. I secretly hope people only have a fair time here in Iowa so they don't all want to move here. An influx would be nightmarish for a guy like me who likes his space. Plus, if more people move here it will throw off the people-to-hog ratio and that may cause a shift in the force that has cataclysmic implications.

Iowa motels have all the same stuff as Indiana, Ohio, Minnesota or Wisconsin motels. Most, if not all, have indoor plumbing and their very own cee-ment ponds. The thing is, we're kind of an Entertain Yourself State. I think that, along with our tendency to be a little stoic and a lot self-reliant, comes from our rural heritage. 100 years ago most everyone in Iowa lived "in the middle of nowhere" so we had to entertain ourselves.

Here "visiting" (chatting with friends and family) is an entertainment form. When you grow up in a tiny town or on a farm (which the vast majority of Iowans have), you kind of have to use your imagination and create your own entertainment. That's kind of out of favor right now with many Entertain Me! Americans. So if you're looking for laser lights and Lindsay Lohan, ah, sorry.

Q: What's the deal with the corn and the hogs?

Got both. Tons of both. There are around 25 million hogs in Iowa. (Not making that up!) That's eight hogs for every man, woman and child in the state. We also have 3.6 million head of cattle. And all those hogs and cattle eat corn, which we raise by the ton. Iowa farmers grow 2.2 BILLION bushels of corn a year. If you get into a corn-growing contest, little Iowa is going to kick your ass! We've been number 1 in corn production for ten years straight.

We also feed our corn to ethanol plants. Iowa is number 1 in ethanol production. Sticking American agriculture up Big Oil's BUTT! I get tingles every time I think about it. (Note: ethanol is ethyl alcohol and that's the same alcohol found in beer. Click here to learn all about ethanol.) Check out the corn via Corn Cam. Did you know corn can grow up to FOUR INCHES a day? That's getting with it, as my father would say.

About here many of my fellow Iowans are flipping out, saying, "Stop talking about corn, cattle and hogs. We're more than corn, cattle and hogs. People are going to think we're all hayseeds with pig shit between our toes." Of course there's more to Iowa than agriculture, but still. We're The Ag Superpower, so I embrace the corn.

Q: Do I need to plan ahead for tractor traffic on my way to the track?

Most likely not. It's not planting or harvest season, after all. Contrary to the amusing popular perception, not everyone in Iowa drives a tractor (at least not every day). It's been 25 years since I've personally driven a tractor (it was back on my uncle's farm, and then only for recreational purposes). Although some days, when someone parks where I want to park, I'd love to have a John Deere and a log chain. Problem solved.

Q: The track is in Newton, Iowa? Seriously? NEWTON?

Yeah, Newton. Interesting town. Used to be world headquarters for Maytag appliances. You know, the Maytag Man? But then Whirlpool bought Maytag and told Newton to F off. Closing down all the washing machine factories there. (Bitches!) The Iowa Speedway is one of the efforts to rebound from that corn holing. Newton is about 35-ish miles dead east on Interstate 80 from the teeming metropolis of Des Moines and its suburbs. (Total population around 400,000.) 45 minutes from the pdog's house. Just get on Interstate 80 from anywhere in greater Des Moines, head east and you'll come right to the track. Slick.

Q: Do you have beer in Iowa?

Beer, my friend, is universal. In fact -- OMG this is huge -- June 23 in downtown Des Moines is BREWFEST 2007. Check it out here. Sample 100 kinds of beer. HUGE.

Q: Key question -- Will Danica enjoy Iowa?

Pretty sure she will. She seems very low key, very low maintenance, very others-focused just like most Iowans. In fact, I encourage her and all the drivers to head 30 miles due south from Newton to Knoxville, home of the Knoxville Raceway (right), site of the Super Bowl of sprint car racing, to hang with the real people there Friday or Saturday night. (Knoxville track officials has invited all the drivers down on Friday night.) Just like Danica, the entire Knoxville crowd is sporting $500 Tassot watches, $400 pairs of jean and $100 pedicures (including some of the men).

In fact -- it's the goddamnest thing -- last time I went to Knoxville there was a Tissot watch booth right there under the grandstand, between the chain-link-fence-enclosed tall-boy beer counter and the airbrush-art drivers' shirts seller. Thats f-ing insane!

Just a tip: If you go to Knoxville, avoid the first few rows of the grandstand unless you fancy getting pelted with little balls of dirt from the track all night. There's racing scheduled at Knoxville on Friday and Saturday night (June 22 and 23). Dirt-track sprint-car racing is RAW, baby. Pretty likely you'll see a sprint car flipping down the track like a freshly beheaded chicken at least once during the night. Glorious. Glorious.

Q: Who can we hope to see at the Iowa Speedway?

The old Super Deuce himself, Rusty Wallace. I kid Rusty, but he's my boy for being involved in building the track that brings the IRL to my doorstep. For that, I'll always love ya, Deuce. Tickets still available. We're going to pack the 25,000-ish permanent seats so they're ERECTING temporary seating. It's gonna get freaky, baby. Better come on down.

Look for extendo coverage from the Iowa Speedway on pressdog.com next week.

Comments

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Now that there is funny, I don't care who ya are!

...but you HAD to bring Danica into it, didn't ya? I bet you're secretly hoping there are cameramen following her around and taping "Simple Life #7". Am I right?

C'mon dog, she's from Roscoe, IL. She'll be right at home in Newton, a.k.a. "The P-Dog Pound". You two should share a Lost Duck.

Posted by: My Name Is IRL | June 15, 2007 at 09:29 AM