Note for the clueless: everything below is made up.
Indy Racing League officials have asked Honda and Dallara Automobili to "look the other way, or hire some really unqualified people" in order to liven up some fairly hum-drum racing.
Stung by accusations that Champ Car World Series races have become more entertaining to watch than the no-passing IRL holding-station fests, league officials recently shot off secret communications to engine maker Honda and chassis builder Dallara.
"We took a look at why the Champ Car races were more exciting than the IRL races," said an IRL insider how asked not to be named. "And the reason was that there crap was always blowing up or breaking off. Will Power is looking good at Edmonton and then suddenly he can't turn right. Steering rack is crap. Katherine Legge is out with some kind of phantom gearbox issues. Sebastien Bourdais is looking good at Cleveland and his electrical system fries to a crispy golden brown. That's exciting stuff."
IRL officials determined that the new Champ Car car, the Panoz DP01, has had some random failures and issues that have injected real life into the race. From difficulties fueling to electrical glitches and even occasionally refusing to start, the DP01's issues ensure you never really know who's going to win until it's over.
"Kind of makes us long for the days when four to seven engines would just blow up during any given race," an IRL official said. "Honda has taken that from us with their damn extreme reliability. If they could just be less anal about the whole quality thing, we could have more exciting incidents like (the 1992 Indy 500 moment) of 'Andretti is slowing on the back stretch' when Mike was about a day ahead of everyone and lost fuel pressure. Those were good times. Now all we got is follow-the-leader."
Officials point at an alarming trend of one-groove tracks -- including Nashville and every street/road race -- and tracks like Iowa where it was nearly impossible to pass for the lead unless the leader made some heinous mistake like stopping at the infield concession stand for a beer during the race.
Officials at Honda and Dallara declined to comment, but Panoz representatives said they were preparing the DP02 that featured "randomized, non-life-threatening parts failure" to meet anticipated demand from the IRL.
Comments