Security Chief Charles to Turn Chicagoland Track into a Green Zone

Note to the low IQ: This is made up.

The Indy Racing League is making Green-Zone-like preparations for what many think may be a hostile season finally at Chicagoland.

Security Chief Charles, famous for maintaining order everywhere off the track, is laying in heavy duty weaponry to make sure nothing gets nutty in the pits or elsewhere.

Sources have reported spotting an array of armaments either at or entering the Chicagoland Speedway including:

• Cases of pepper spray
• Tear gas guns and canisters
• Tasers
• Nunchucks
• Bullshit detectors
• Sleeveless T-shirt detectors
• Hard-card shredders
• Wild accusation deflectors
• Easy-open cans of security whoopass
• Three-foot long, six-D-cell-battery flashlights
• A large, shark-cage like structure for containing TJ Patrick in case of emergency
  
• Rubber gloves (don't ask)

The league announced Thursday that anyone found wearing their hat backwards in the pit area will be immediately tackled and beaten. League officials would not comment on rumors that there will be snipers posted on atop the grandstands/race control complex.

"We've communicated with everyone associated with the league on what our standards of behavior are," said one security insider. "We're saying 'don't brawl' and, at minimum, 'don't brawl off camera.' "

Speculation that the league had met with ESPN SportsCenter officials to run some "scenarios" by them was quickly denied. "Any conversations about what type of brawl would merit the most SportsCenter time were purely hypothetical, an academic exercise ,really," said the insider. "There's nothing to see here. Move along."

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Comments

[My Name Is IRL]

Rubber gloves...but still no black flags. Huh.

[pressdog]

Security Chief Charles don't need no stinkin' black flags.

[Joan]

You know Chuck Norris learned everything he knows from Security Cheif Charles.

[Bash]

I'm Andretti Green with envy that Pressdog will be there in person to see Charles throw down...

[Sue]

Who needs Barnhart. We have Charles.

[WALTER REWERTS]

CHARLES FELL FLAT ON HIS FACE ON NASCAR WEEKEND.SECURITY WAS A DISMAL FLOP.THERE WERE FIGHTS GALORE' A MUGGING'JUST OUT OF THE INFIELD WALKWAY.EVEN MORE EMBARISING THE NEIGHBORING FARM IS STILL LOOKING FOR HIS GOLF CART. GOOD JOB CHARLES!