CDC Investigates Outbreaks of N-Virus

Note: If you think this is real, please check yourself into the nearest hospital.

Officials from the Center for Disease Control are investigating an outbreak of N-virus in and around open-wheel racing.

"We noticed that basically everyone associated with open-wheel racing -- fans, teams, the leagues, drivers -- can't stop saying the N-word (a term that refers to a very popular stock car league)," said a CDC spokesperson. "At first we thought it was a mutation of Tourette's  syndrome. But tests for any indication of that came up negative."

Officials said the N-word outbreak started a few days before the Indy Racing League finale at Chicagoland Speedway."

"We knew we were facing something strange when, during the final race of the IRL season with the championship at stake, the N-word got more air than 'IndyCar' " said the official. "Frankly, that scared even some of our most veteran infection fighters."

Since then, the open-wheel racing world has featured a virulent outbreak of the N-word that's swarmed over blogs and chat sites around the Web.

"It might be the work of a bot net," said an official. "We're checking into that. We're urging everyone not to enter any personal information on Web sites that are normally safe havens for open-wheelers but now are obviously infected by the N-virus."

Some people put the infection down to one of the most obvious symptoms, an onslaught of attention and sometimes cash that often comes to a driver who says the N-word a lot.

"Dan Wheldon, perfect example," said the bug fighter. "He ain't going anywhere near the N-word, but he keeps dropping it. He's like Typhoid Dan. Can't stop himself. N-word this, N-word that. We thought about going to the extreme step of of sending Dan back to England, possibly the least N-word place on the planet, and quarantining him there for a month."

After a steady diet of room-temperature beer, fish and chips and English football (soccer), officials figured Dan would be cured. "But in the end we decided against it. A month back in England and nobody would be able to understand a bloody word Dan says."

To try and combat the N-virus outbreak, officials recommend mandatory mullet shaving and have started sending out "Dario is gone. Get over it." cease-and-desist letters to blogs and online forums.

"We hope that will do it," the CDC spokesman said. "If not, we may have to ban the use of the phrase 'We had a top-30 car' and force people to pronounce 'junior' properly. Frankly, we don't want to have to do that, but this N-word fixation has to stop."

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Comments

[mmack]

And in other news . . .

Officials for the Center for Disease control are warning residents of the Southestern US about an outbreak of "NASCAR Chill". The disease is caused by the transfer of foreign bodies from outside the United States into the host racing series. These foreign bodies multiply rapidly and force out healthier, longer established domestic bodies. The symptoms of "NASCAR Chill" are declining television ratings, empty grandstand seats at racetracks, confusion over driver origins and pronouncing driver names, accompanied by a general lack of interest in following stock car racing after years of fanaticism. Xenophobia and nostalgia for the "Good Old Days" of stock car racing are common symptoms, as are the constant posting of angry screeds on NASCAR related websites and chat rooms.

"NASCAR Chill" is not to be confused with "Yellow Fever", an outbreak of which occurred in NASCAR earlier this year. That disease, in which the host series sees non-existent pieces of rubbish on track surfaces (often called "Phantom Debris"), forcing them to reflexively wave a yellow flag, was cured by close monitoring by the media and medical professionals.

[pressdog]

One of the big consolations in this is seeing the N-word fans having to deal with an influx of "furiners." Ha. And when these non-Americans start winning? That's entertainment: http://pressdog.typepad.com/dogblog/2007/03/nascar_lauches_.html

[ramblinman]

I remember when King George decided to make an All-American sport with engines, race cars, and drivers from the US of A. Ten years later and the "furiners" have won again. I don't care who they are or where they come from, if they can build the fastest cars and cross the finish line first, they deserve the glory.

BTW, pressdog, I noticed that the n-word actully popped up on the comment above. I checked on my Mac as well, thinking this might be a PC kinda thing. Sure enough, it has infected my Apple too. If there is an n-word filter out there that we can download and install, please advise. Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?

[Allan Brewer]

I've sworn off the N-word since I was (mistakenly) confused for a R-word

Now I just sit here in the I-place wondering how it all F-word-ing went W-word