Doctors Report Alarming Increase in Swallowed Tongues, "Spaz Attacks"

Emergency rooms in the greater Indianapolis area have been flooded by a an outbreak of oddities according to multiple sources inside the medical community.

"This morning we had seven swallowed tongues," said one intern. "That's just *$%#@ed up. I mean, what would make someone swallow their tongue?"

Further investigation revealed a litany of bizarre events. Among the things reported in the greater Indy area:

• 16 spaz attacks
• 11 knipshun fits
• 9 cases of the vapors
• 21 incidents of sustained black flashes
• 6 life-threatening hyper ventilations
• 20 cases of uncontrolled frothing at the mouth
• 7 case of patients choking on their own vomit
• 4 cases of patients "nearly shitting themselves to death"
• 15 cases of spontaneous loss of bladder control

Perhaps the most alarming was what doctors called "the birth of seven cows" in their emergency rooms.

"I'm not kidding," said a distraught E.R. doctor. "This woman came in and she was obviously in labor. Next thing I knew someone screamed 'she's having a cow' and, bam, there it was on the floor. A Holstein. She named it Kevin. Then it got really weird 20 minutes later when a 24-year-old man wearing an IndyCar series T-shirt came in -- and had an even bigger cow."

The cow birthing prompted the chief of medicine at a Indy hospital to declare it "the goddamnedest thing I've ever seen."

The IndyCar T-shirt turned out to be the tip that investigators needed to make some sense of out of the bizarre events.

"Turns out all these people who were having knipshuns and frothing at the mouth and flopping around the floor like fish were open-wheel racing fans," said Lt. Peter Dormster of the Indy police. "We got a couple of Champ Car fans in isolation right now. Wearing paper suits."

Dormster explained that "paper suits" are literally jail jumpsuits made out of paper. Since the suit will tear easily, it cannot be used to hang yourself. "All we gotta hear is 'if this is true, I may hang myself' and we have their shoelaces, belts and they're stripped and put into paper suits."

"When we suggested that everyone take a break from the online news sites, blogs and forums -- just put down the Internet and slowly back away -- they became wildly violent," Dormster said. "We had to Taser a few of them. It was tense there for a while."

Wild rumors also circulated that some mainstream Indy media reported they were "six to nine inches shorter" recently. "We looked into it," said one medical professional. "Turns out it wasn't that big of a deal. They'd just been scooped repeatedly. They should grow out of it eventually."

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Comments

[mmack]

'Dog,

OBVIOUSLY, the Federal Government has to step in and put an end to "The Split", one way or another. I mean, with all this trolling on racing websites during the workday looking for news, the national productivity index has dropped ALARMINGLY! Next thing you'll know, we'll be in a recession!

[Bash]

I'd rather be in a race session...

Seriously, a small break is in order. When I approach the Internet again, I'll be armed with Dramamine...