Word that Andretti Green Racing plans to resuscitate the former Champ Car road race in Toronto set off a wave of panic throughout IndyCar fandom Wednesday.
AGR announced they have signed a letter of intent to buy the assets of the Grand Prix of Toronto, a street course held at Exhibition Place.
"OMG, it's started," said one distraught IndyCar oval fan. "The Champification, Roadification of IndyCar. They rode in on a Trojan Dallara. Contageon! We're all doomed to single-file racing and obsessing over (really bad word) pit strategy. Oh the humanity!"
Online message boards lit up with X-Files-like theories that Champ Car only pretended to be be assimilated so they could infect the IndyCar series with streptoroadacoccus, a deadly bacteria that could convert the IndyCar series into a 75% road/street racing league if not stopped.
"Brilliant bastards! They sent Andretti Green, Chippy Ganassi and Penske over back in 2001-ish," said one clearly alarmed fan. "They were just the first wave, the vanguard, paving the way for the larger invading force. Get a few street/road courses on the schedule. They're all like, 'This is nothing. Just couple of road races to create diversity. Pick up some revenue. Nothing to worry about. Not like we're going to turn the whole series into a street/road race-focused thing or anything.'
"Right. Sounds a lot like some new owner coming into your office and saying 'no changes are planned' and the next thing you know you got all your crap in a box and are being walked out by security."
The theory goes that after going belly up and proving beyond a reasonable doubt that an all-road-race series has about as much TV appeal in the U.S. as unmedicated dentistry, Champ Car pretended to be acquired by IndyCar.
"It's like a virus. When the first host is played out, they move on. Look for 50-50 oval/road mix, then 60-40, then 75-25," said an unidentified fan. "Pretty soon we'll have 'Penske acquires Cleveland' and 'Chippy signs deal with Houston.' Mark my words. Followed quickly by the illusive 0.0 ratings and then total shock that the league is in financial trouble."
Fans said the league could allay fears by announcing even one new oval being considered for the series.
In related news, doctors in Indianapolis reported record requests for the tranquilizer Thorazine as well as anti-sleep stimulants like prescription amphetamines. "We figure the former is to help them cope with the roadification process and the latter is to help them stay awake for the two-pass festivals of single-file racing," doctors said.
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