Notes taken during the SPEED broadcast of the Chinese F1 from Shanghai on April 19, 2009.
Welcome to China in the year of the ox. It's raining. Rain rain rain. Rain makes for fun races. Booth stallion Bob Varsha says fans love rain races so much they want to install sprinklers at many tracks. A rain race is way better than a parade, that is for sure, but this year in F1 we don't need no stinking rain to have major overtaking.
pressdog beer of the race is Tsingtao Beer, Tsingtao Brewery Co., Qingdao, China.
Sebastian Vettel and Red Bull Renault are on the pole. No special diffuser, no KERS (Kinetic Energy Recovery System) boost. Just Vettel to the metal. Teammate Mark Webber is THIRD. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria! Fernando Alonso went light for qualifying and snuck in for second. (F1 note: "going light" means qualifying with less fuel on board so you can go faster.
Bob is joined by his booth posse, David Hobbs and Steve Matchett, and Grid Walker Peter Windsor on the ground in China.
The Brawn GP cars are 4th and 5th and much heavier. We have "super-soft" tires and medium tires here. Alonso spent the week dissing the super-softs as too soft for the China track. Diss diss diss.F1 drivers and team bosses are good at it.
Varsha -- Kimi Räikkönen said this week the championship is over for Ferrari. They can't win it.
Down to Peter Windsor and the unseen camerman Jean Michel for their famous Grid Walk. WET. Pete loves the wet because it makes everything interesting. Lewis Hamilton is the best starting of the KERS cars. (Ferrari has ditched its KERS for this race.) Everyone is going out on "full wet" tires (they have dry, "intermediate wet" and "full wet" to chose from. Full wet has the most tread).Rain will also void the rule that says you have to use the dreaded super-soft option tire.
Pete's mic cuts out for a second. Trauma. OK now it's back. He puts some phat grid moves on JM and loses him for a second. Now we whip around to check the ass end of a car. Eyeballing the Red Bull drive shaft area and normal diffuser. A Red Bull crew guy herds JM back. Mark Webber is out of his car. JM gives us a shot of his feet. Pete gives Webber a shout out for his "galoshes" which is a word I don't think I've ever personally typed until just now. Webber -- "I generally wear the same boots all season so I look after them." You need to look after your boots, that is for sure.
Renault-powered cars are 1, 2, 3 for the first time since 1996, Jenson Button gets air. Pete -- Sebastien Buemi is deep in discussions with someone re: visor selection. Pete knifes in for a word. Buemi -- "It's quite difficult. I like the conditions. We are confident. Full wets for sure (no question of intermediate tires)."
Pete says Buemi is upstaging ... (teammate Sebastien Bourdais).
Norbert Haug, VP of Mercedes Benz motorsports, says the KERS is not a real big help in the wet. Not a handicap either, for sure.
Pete -- "Who's this way down on the grid (in P13)? Could it be Ferrari?" Knifes in for a word with Felipe Massa. Massa says they have to be patient. Have lots of fuel. Nelson Piquet is the heaviest car on the grid, 135 pounds of fuel heavier than teammate Fernando who went super light (as is his custom) to start up front.
Pete with Brawn boss Ross Brawn. Ross takes a moment away from healing the sick and casting out demons to talk to Pete. Thinks it will be wet for the entire race. Maybe Safety Car start due to standing water.
Windsor with The Diffuser package. All the teams are on there saying they will have to add it now that it has been ruled legal. Take time and money. FLAVIO Briatore, Renault boss, who spent most of the week popping off about The Total Unfairness and Injustice of the diffuser, gets air. Renault was allowed to improve engine over the off season because of alleged pig issues.
Possey montage.
Vettel last pole was Monza. Won it in the rain.
Toyota story lines. Bob – How wet is too wet? Everyone is full wet.
David Hobbs – Vettel -- Déjà vu all over again?
Steve Matchett – Brawn GP Hat Trick today? They are starting high and heavy so they are looking good.
Starting lineup: Sebastian Vettel, Fernando Alonso, Mark Webber, Rubens Barrichello, Jenson Button, Jarno Trulli, Nico Rosberg, Kimi Räikkönen, Lewis Hamilton, Sebastien Buemi, Nick Heidfeld, Heikki Kovalainen, Felipe Massa, Timo Glock, Kazuki Nakajima, Sebastien Bourdais, Nelsinho Piquet, Robert Kubica, Adrian Sutil, Giancarlo Fisichella.
We have already started under the safety car.
55 to go – Button on the radio. Visibility is very very bad.
54 to go – Vettel radio – water on the track but it is OK. We’ve had worse in the past.
52 to go – Sutil pits for new wets and a top off
Radio – Alonso thinks the Safety Car can come in any time now.
Pete – Rosberg pits. Full wets. Topped off.
51 to go – Race control gets air. Much nodding. Felipe’s dad gets air.
50 to go – Alonso pits
49 to go – Lights are off on Safety Car.
Lets light this wet candle. Safety car is in and we are … green-green-green (the ultra-rare flying start in F1, albeit single file).
Spray city! Vettel, Webber, Barrichello, Button, Trulli, Räikkönen, Hamilton, Buemi, Heidfeld, Kovalainen.
Hobbs – Webber is NO-TORIOUSLY difficult to overtake any time, won’t be any better in the wet.
Hamilton under Kovalainen … CLEAR. Onboard with Räikkönen. Can see the spray with the tires pumping mega water. Buemi the rookie is looking under Räikkönen the 2007 world champion. Insane. Hamilton looking under Trulli.
Three cars go off in the same turn in succession. Not so good.
46 to go – Hamilton around Trulli for P5. He’s 6 seconds back of Button in P4.
Pete says KERS is helping Hamilton.
45 to go – Hamilton has gained on 4th place. Räikkönen says he may have engine issues. Hamilton has dropped back, may have spun. Replay on board Hamilton – goes ass around. Back onto the track.
Buemi looking under Trulli for P5. Trulli may be having issues. Buemi dives inside Trulli … CLEAR!
44 to go – Trulli is now under attack from Massa.
Vettel, Webber, Button, Barrichello, Buemi, Trulli, Massa, Räikkönen.
43 to go -- Heidfeld and Glock are fighting. Heidfeld spins. Massa inside Trulli … clear. Overtaken on camera.
41 to go – Vettel pits. Webber pitted minutes earlier.
Replay of Lewis going under Räikkönen.
Button, Barrichello, Vettel, Buemi, Massa, Webber, Hamilton, Räikkönen, Trulli, Kovalainen.
40 to go – Kovalainen around Trulli with the help of a little hip check. Trulli just did a 2:03, which is extremely pig-ish.
Button is +10 seconds on Barrichello, +15 on Vettel, but not enough to pit and come back out ahead of Vettel.
39 to go -- WTF? Trulli is coming around sans back wing. Circus music cued. Kubica is in for a nose.
Replay. 
Jaws-themed circus music. Kubica up and over the back end of Trulli like a shark taking a skier. Like a bull mounting a cow. Hide the children! Hobbs – Its like a praying mantis. Bob – and we all know what happens to the male half of a praying mantis get together. (Note: Pretty sure he gets EATEN by the female once he has performed his biological duties.)
Hobbs – I think Jarno Trulli slowed up more than Kubica was prepared for. Bob – I’d say so.
38 to go – SAFETY CAR! In the booth, Steve runs in place — waving hands frantically — like a toddler who can't find a bathroom. (The preceding laugh-out-loud visual was ripped off, word-for-word from Roy Hobson at the Silent Pagoda. Check it out NOW.)
Button pits. May be a Festival of Pitting. Buemi in for a front wing change. Trulli is done for the day after his car was MOUNTED, violated on international TV.
35 to go -- still under the safety car (I think). Massa is dead sick. Done. BLOWN up, SIR!. Maybe a gear box. Vettel, Button, Webber, Räikkönen, Hamilton, Barrichello, Kovalainen, Bourdai. Safety Car in this lap. Bourdais ass around with car under yellow. Not so good.
34 to go -- GREEN. Hamilton working on Räikkönen --- CLEAR. Overtaken. Replay of Hamilton overtaking Räikkönen on the outside.
32 to go -- Glock pits. Gets new nose. Toyota has the nose on a little trolley cart thing. Very cool. Booth guys light up about the coolness. Gets the nose on in about a second. Bob -- Whamo. Steve -- Very well done, boys. Steve et al later predict, accurately, that every team is now hard at work creating their own nose trolley.
Festival of Going Off Course, Part 4.
29 laps to go -- Räikkönen pits. Fills enough to go the distance. Nakajima is now off. Piquet nose is mangled. Ass around, hits a Styrofoam advertising sign, which does a susrprising amount of damage to the balsa-wood-like front wings.
Pete Windsor with Felipe Massa. SERIOUSLY. Pete is interviewing a driver DURING THE RACE. I spew beer of the race all over the HD wonder. I have never heard this happen. Massa says he thinks it was some kind electrical thing that caused the engine to stop.
Someone gets a new steering wheel. I think it was Piquet. Button goes off and Webber swoops under him. Whoops. Button re-overtakes (!) when Webber goes wide, Button dives under. Webber back around the outside and under Button. After all this, I wake up with my pants soaked in my own urine, another victim of Overtaking Overload.
24 to go -- On board with Button. Everything seems OK here.
Suddenly Bourdais is flying in P17. Steve thinks maybe he could be on intermediate tires. Hamilton is in .... full wets. 8.6-second stop. He's good to go until the end.
22 to go -- Webber sets fast lap.
21 to go -- 'Nando pits from 5th. Bourdais' times are back to normal.
20 to go -- Bourdais is ass around. Replay. Bourdais in a flat spin. (Punch us out, Goose! EJECT EJECT EJECT.)
The Red Bull Renaults are ON FIRE. Wings back in the delta and they're ssssssupersonic. Vettel has 17 seconds on Webber who has 8.5 on Button.
Vettel pits. 9.2 seconds. Out behind Button. Webber now leads but has to stop.
18 to go -- Steve thinks Button is about 10 laps shy of making it, but the rain etc. throws all kinds of wrinkles in there. "Going to be nip and tuck."
Webber, Button, Vettel, Barrichello, Buemi, Hamilton, Sutil, Kovalainen.
18 to go. Vettel has his wings back again and is pressing Button.
17 to go -- Webber pits from P1. Full wets again. Question is will Brawns have to pit? Probably.
16 to go -- Vettel goes inside Button. Screw waiting for him to pit. That's for "zah veek" (lame German accent attempt). CLEAR. Televised pass for the lead. Vettel hits the burner when he's past Button and a huge arc of flame shoots out of the ass of the Red Bull and he's GONE. Gah-hawn. GONE.
I'd love to hear what FLAVIO thinks of the non-diffuser, non-KERS Red Bulls INHALING the Brawn cars. Hmmmmmm?
Rosberg pits. Gets inters. That causes Steve to chortle excitedly. Big dice roll on the inters. Predictions that everyone will be watching Rosberg's lap times.
Replay of Alonso under Räikkönen. Insert Finnish swearing here. Bob -- "A couple of World Champions duking it out for -- I can't believe I'm going to say this -- 11th place." HAR. Bob slays me at least once a race.
Button in. Inters? No, full wets. Raining too hard to go inters. Out in P4. Rosberg is setting personal bests on inters. More tire speculation here.
Vettel, Webber, Barrichello, Button, Buemi, Alonso, Kovalainen, Sutil.
13 to go -- Barrichello in. Fuel only. Out. Steve thinks that inters and full wets are giving the same times about now.
Piquet around. FLAVIO gets air. Bob recaps FLAVIO's statements all of which have been refuted by plain-Jane Red Bull today. In-car with Hamilton. Off course. Comes back in and about mashes into Kovalainen.
Lewis spins again.
WTF? Circus ALERT! We got tires bounding down the track. Sutil is having a yard sale. Replay. Ass-around and nose first into tires. Front wheels bound free like freshly loosed cocker spaniels. Wheel tethers? We don't need no stinkin' wheel tethers. A tiny street sweeper pulls up and 19 sanitation department clowns jump out. Sutil sits there in a car with basically no front end.
Local yellow. Seriously? It's like racing through a landfill out there. The F1 and IRL approach to local and full-course yellows could not be more different. I much prefer the keep-it-green-goddammit F1 approach.
4 to go -- Shot of Red Bull garage. Focus. May be praying.
3 to go -- Hobbs gives Buemi a shout out. Well deserved.
Vettel, Webber, Button, Barrichello, Kovalainen, Hamilton, Glock, Buemi, Heidfeld, Alonso, Bourdais.
2 to go -- Hobbs keeps interrupting Varsha, forcing Varsha to eventually go back to his often-interesting point. Did it several times this race. Dave. I know you're excited, but, ah, that's not cool.
1 to go -- Steve -- gives major shout outs and props to the Red Bull team for being open and accessible. Hear-hear, Steve! Well said. Well stated. I am entirely for accessible, media-friendly and especially FAN-FRIENDLY teams to win every race. Vettel himself seems like a very cool person.
Vettel wins. Insert German-accented weeping here. Vettel, Webber, Button (45 SECONDS behind Vettel), Rubens Barrichello, Heikki Kovalainen, Lewis Hamilton, Timo Glock, Sebastien Buemi, Fernando Alonso, Kimi Räikkönen, Sebastien Bourdais, Nick Heidfeld, Robert Kubica, Giancarlo Fisichella, Nico Rosberg, Nelsinho Piquet, Adrian Sutil, Kazuki Nakajima, Felipe Massa , Jarno Trulli.
Drivers go through a grid-girl gauntlet now to get to the podium. Nice. Anthems. Deutschland Deutchland Uber Alles. Spraying champers. Pete does his interview thang. Tune in to see it!
Transcript of post-race comments from the Mothersite HERE.
Driver points -- Button (21), Barrichello (15), Vettel (10), Glock (9.5), Webber (8.5).
Constructors -- Brawn Mercedes (36), Red Bull Renault (19.5), Toyota (18.5), McLaren Mercedes (8), Toro Rosso Ferrari (4) .... Ferrari (0)
I'm out of here. F1 has the best road/street racing this year available, easily. Festival of Overtaking. Tune in for the GP of Bahrain, 7:30 a.m. EASTERN, April 26 on SPEED.
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