As part of an all-out effort to keep league meal ticket Danica Patrick, Indy Racing League officials are distributing hundreds of green rubber bracelets bearing four letters: WWDT?
"We just want everyone from the groundskeepers to random team mechanics to Robin Miller to Tony George to stop and ask themselves: 'What Will Danica Think?'"said one league official.
With virtually every issue facing the Indy Racing League being quickly reduced to "How will this impact Danica's decision as to whether to stay in the league?" IRL officials are trying to get people to consider the Danica ramifications BEFORE they make a move.
"We like to think that if Robin Miller had one of these green bracelets around his wrist while he was typing the story about turmoil in the Hulman-George family, he might have just put a lid on the story and went back to gambling," said a league official who declined to be named. "I mean, turmoil at the top, What Will Danica Think of that?"
The IRL hoped to sell the green bracelets to fans for $100 or more each in an effort to raise "such in incredibly staggering amount of raw cash that Danica won't be able to walk away from it." Officials figured fans would love to do their part to keep Danica in the league, because "if she leaves it will be like having someone squirt lighter fluid in your eyeballs and set your ocular cavities ablaze."
"Danica leaving makes the sun falling out of the sky directly onto the Pagoda seem like a good thing in comparison," said one distraught IRL official. We're talking about human sacrifice ... dogs and cats, living together ... mass hysteria!"
So, when you're picking up cans along West 16th Street in front of the track, you need to ask yourself 'What Would Danica Think' of the job I am doing? Would she be encouraged to stay?," said an IndyCar spokesperson. "Even drivers. Would it kill you to finish third instead of second if it means Danica is more likely to stay? Before you throw that block party, take a look at your wrist and ask 'What Will Danica Think?' "
In related news, rumors that Roger Penske's purchase of Saturn was in some way related to keeping Danica Patrick in the IRL could not be confirmed Friday. "Although," said one unnamed source, "we can't help but wonder if the money Roger is spending on Saturn should have gone to Danica to keep her from leaving the series, which would cause everyone's flesh to boil until they die in agony."
UPDATE: Now you can get your own What Would Danica Think bracelet and support the Racing for Kids charity. Click here for details.
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